Walks of Life.

Another 15 mins left before I continue on my journey...
A path which I couldn't figured out at the first place...
A path which I couldn't remember the reason I'm taking it...

What am I doing sitting here?
Waiting for nothing?
Or something important?
Is it worth staying up for the whole night just waiting for it?
Is it worth spending my time and money for something that I don't even enjoy for a tiny bit?

What is the meaning of all this?
Why can't I have a proper life?
Why can't I have a more decent family?

I laugh at myself all the time...
Knowing the true self...
Knowing the lies I've told...

I don't seem to repent...
I don't seem to regret...
Instead I repeat...

Will I finally found the way through?
Will I finally smile within my heart?
Is it really that hard?

I worked hard for years...
I worked hard for nothing...
Why am I doing all this?

Others walk..
I run...
Others run...
I fly...

I like the peaceful night...
I like the silence night...
No worries.. No problems...

Is this fate?
Knowing you?
Accepting you?

Is this fate?
Being known?
Being accepted?

I don't know...
I don't care...
I just want to move on...

I know it's tough...
I know it's hard...
But I want it... badly...

I've finally found you...
But we're far apart...
Will the Lord ever hear my prayers?
Will the Lord gives us a chance?

I wish for your happiness...
I wish to make you smile...
I wish to care for you... all the time...
I wish to bring you to my life...
I wish to give you the best I ever can...

Please.. be with me... always...
And I will finally found trust in this world...

You saw me standing alone, Without a dream in my heart, Without a love of my own...

The Day It Ended...

Another tough year has ended.. vivid changes have entirely taken over.. and I'm all start to a better way now... I'll summarize my experiences since i was rushing and packing my things for my later trip to Singapore by midnight... wee hee... Been to various places.... Genting , K.L and etc... I was like trapped under a working environment... but I learned that i was starting to learn and experience more... Such long and fresh feeling and emotions was very hard to be express by just typing like that... So i guess i just share one or a two of some of my experiences here...

Had just finish my 3rd course recently.. Principle of Marketing... studying and working at the same time was not easy.. but i'll will just have to bare at it... considering that i will be taking two courses at a time by next year was starting to haunt me...
Got a Distinction in my 1st paper... Not bad since I was always studying at the very last minute.. =D

One of the most sad experiences that i had was having to witness different kind of family environments... Everyone have different kind of family , different way and different condition... But you were born with it.. And you have no choice but to follow what it has to be...
I met a lot of parents over the past month... Hearing lots of comment... And of the most heart-broken is some parents could not afford their children for third party educations such as tuitions due to financial status although their child was dying and was so excited to keep on learning and studying... It shows that even you wanted that thing so badly... But things just don't go right...
I felt sad for the student but what I could do was just pray for her... Hoping for a better tomorrow...

I will have to end this here... Will continue if I have any time.. IF...

We are living , unable to forget the memories of Eden...
I felt like something's going to happen...
Every day I feel that way..
Yeah , life's noisy....
Blowing the wind in the opposite way...

Joshua

Thank You For The Memories...

It's a life I'm learning... Not a dream... not memories... not other worldly thoughts... but Life...
I'm currently stressed with my scheduling... Time was never enough for you to do what you want... Controlling the time you have is what's necessary... I was left to choose between my work and studies , religious events and family... It was quite obvious which decision I would make but what will I get in the end? Will I regret?
I came across all the happenings in my life... and in doubts I try to make a decision... Making decisions aren't easy.... dividing into several thoughts in what you think will happen next...
I realise that I have little time left to go... I maybe young but life's too short for you to build everything you want... You need to ditch everything... But it may not be easy... When everything's behind you...
Here I am... crapping the shits out of me again....
I have to start concentrating in my work and studies for now and leave out something where i would accomplish later... I went for Testimonials Orals today... Lucky , i read about Luke...
Would be completing my bible knowledge test by two weeks and start getting back on what I have to do... A promise for myself...
I'm starting to enjoy the way of teaching... It's not easy... Several tasks have to be done... And I have still way lot of things to learn... To change...

I've always try to force a smile , but deep in me... i was totally in doubts...
Every path I take brings on memories... New fresh memories and forgotten memories... Coming back from within...
I still have many days left to laugh...
I just don't realise that yet...
I'm gonna live my life... Wherever...

You became someone whom I could not comprehend anymore...
Maybe that is just life.... sometimes, you just have to let go. Holding on, won't bring happiness...
I didn't want to let go, but seems that right now, i don't think i am even a friend to her...
She left me waiting in the rain for 3 hours and didn't even cares about it...
She ignores me, and treat me like dirt and i have to accept it...
I wish her happiness, because i know the way she went was the right one instead of suffering with me...

An Undecided Path...

Has been some time since i'd update my blog... Main reason..? Nothing to write...what else can you do where else your life was just around eat , sleep , work , eat , sleep , work? Ya.. What A Life..
I've started to return back to a life where i never wanted to be... It's too hectic , and it's not the path i wanted... but ya... i really don't deserve to choose...
For the past few weeks , i had went out to socialise with my friends everyday... Ya i mean everyday... That is when i realise something... Some particular friends started teasing me that I'm not a friend to them anymore when i mix with another 'group' of friend of mines... I just want to tell them.. IN THIS WORLD , i do not have the few of you only as my friend... i respected and everytime u guys would call me to go out , i would follow.. but if u didnt , why NOT i went and get with my other friends? This world was so weird... God created man equally , got eyes , got nose , got mouth , got hand , got legs , but DIFFERENT thinking...
A means A , B means B , they follow what they need and want , and never think of the part of any other else...
I was restricted to nothing anymore... Narrowly , i avoid being pathethic enough to burden everyone around me.. Why do things always go so wrong around me? I DO TRY but things just went wrong.. just like that...

Everyone have their own life now... my phone had not been ringing after the incident... For them it's my fault , for me... we're equal... So ya , i dun wanna crap anymore... I have TONS of books behind me then i need to get keeping and jot down... and also i'm selling this particular novel which i accidently bought extra..
P.S I Love You / If You Could See Me Now By Cecelia Ahern (2 In 1 Series).. just drop me a comment or contact me via msn if you're interested...

I'm back to my housekeeping now... Where nothing's over me anymore...
Commitment... i'm trying to learn the true meaning of this word...
Ciao!

Luke 12:34
For where your treasure is , there also your heart will be

Walking Through Memory Lane...

Hmm.. Looks like I'm gonna start blogging now.. maybe not for long as my life was a deem boring one.. I mean real BORING... I prefer writing my own diary more to blogging... more privacy... :D
As for my life , I don't know i whether have to regard it as unlucky or what but looks like I'm born with it.. I've always like to keep things for myself.. On what I did or what I've done... No mere reason telling to anyone else... including my studies , financial status or whatever...
I just hope to have a better family... a more normal one...
My mum always want to know what's happening around on the other 'side' of my family because she knew i know it , staring me with her 'you-don't-have-to-tell-but-i'm-sure-would-like-to-know-what's-happening' kind of look in her eyes...
Okay starting with my recent doomed life... I just finished my SPM not long ago and went to work at Genting for some time waiting for results or maybe wasting my time... I wanted to be a croupier due to their high salary income.. ^^ but dumb me forgot to brought my results to the interview.. so i ended up working as a Casual Worker and later on as a Sales Assistant at GRGTOO... fond memories there... but maybe memories i don't wish to mention...

The GRGTOO's Army :D - Miss all of ya.. -

Genting brought me a lot of things i started to realise in my life... Knowing my desire , knowing my own way.. but it's really no use if there's no one to understand it.. No mere reason doing it alone , as it would only cause misunderstanding... aiks.. stop the crapping..
Working at genting brought me lots of experience , knowing friends... and knowing what's important in life... The ugly side of Genting is that I've lost my respect to the elders who I've always treat with respect and care... Usually when you are in a bus going up Genting, you can see their faces full of excitement and happiness; but when you took the bus going down Genting with them , I could hear them scolding all sort of foul languages that I've never hear before...
I've now planned to pursue for my diploma courses but due to financial status and preparations , I've to go and work again to fund myself... Will be starting my studies by January... LONG way to go... but i don't have a choice... Ya , i don't even deserve for a choice...
I've always regard myself as such a scum , useless brat... Everyone said that i could study but i've wasted that talent just like that... "It's Never Too Late To Regret"... DUMB.. I forgot who told me this... but it's really meaningless for me anymore... no offense though :p
Ya I know you guys are getting bored now so here's a little profile of me in the dictionary :

Lo - bak (Lor - baak) k., kies.
1 a.Loser.One who fails to win. At anything. Ever. b.One who sucks in quality; an inferior member of the human species : Lobak is real rubbish. 2. A person regarded as stupid , inept , ridiculous , and/or butt-ugly. 3. One who occupies the lowest possible rung on the food chain. 4. a. A person deserving of scorn and ridicule. b."Lowlier than thou." 5. Geek. 6. Dweeb. 7. Schlemiel. 8. Nerd. 9. Jerk. 10. Freak. ( From the Greek murphosis , the process of forming or assuming the shape of a moron ; from murphoun , to behave like a moron : from the Latin robinus murphatus; from murphus , murpha , moron. See MORON.)

Stop growing older become something I wanted desperately to accomplish rather than merely a dreaded inevitability. I should have taken drugs , should have drunk more , should have travelled more , should have jumped out of aeroplanes while waxing my legs... Regret for the things that I've never made time to do and sorrow for the loss of future experiences...
All that was left was a bundle of memories , and an image of her face that became more and more vague each day... I'm sorry to hurt you...

Oops.. Kinda out of topic pulak... I'm looking forward to see what i could accomplish in my life , my lowly dreaded life ... as u can see , i criticise myself a lot , but don't worry , it's nothing.. :D
I've a dream by now which is to getting myself FATTER , i'm darn thin and i couldn't bare it anymore..!!! ARKS... I need advices from my si jie.... SIWING , ROSE , ETONG... jiu jiu wo ah....
Hahas.. Going for snacks shopping and ipoh tomorrow for some BOOKS sweeping ceremony...
Going to bed now.. Bye Yae Yae... Hope my first blog post wouldn't be in a mess though...